My Mom

Mom,

I feel like I need to post this blog so I can express to you how much I love you. (By the way, for those of you who don't know, this is a picture of my mom playing a nun in a community production of "The Sound of Music." She and I were backstage.) As you know, I have always been better at expressing my feelings with words on paper rather than out loud, and I want everyone to be able to hear what I have to say. I remember countless Mother's Day duets with you. Usually, we would sing My Mother, My Daughter. "The seasons come, the seasons go, and I see you grow. The light of faith is in your eyes. It was planted long ago. I weep for your sorrows, smile when life is fair, I speak your name in each tender prayer...." I loved that tradition that we had. So, today at church, I sang in Relief Society with my two beautiful children, Dallin and Audrey. It brought back a flood of memories,(and tears) especially when I explained a little about my history with singing on Mother's Day to the ladies in the room.

When I was young, I never fully appreciated you, and I am sorry for that. I remember that day at Scott's cabin. Nothing needs to be said about it because we both know what I am talking about. But, that memory is cemented in my head to this day, so vividly, and I think that it's there for a very good reason. Probably many reasons. But, the main thing I want to say in reference to that day is how very much I love you. You were so quick to always forgive me, even if I had hurt you to your very core. I know that one of these days, probably sooner than I would like, my own daughters may feel those things about me. But, they will also realize when they are moms, how right I actually was, just like I have realized that about you.

But, today is a day for me to remind you how great you truly are. So many times, you stayed awake with us all night long when we were sick. I don't think there was a single concert that I ever had that you weren't either in attendance for or playing the piano for. You managed to always sign us kids up for various classes and other extracurricular activities on a limited budget. You and I shared an amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience in Europe that I will never forget either. I think you may have actually been cooler than I realized at the time! You always encouraged us in our constantly changing life ambitions. You were always there to pick me up after I fell, and I fell many times. You never told me I couldn't do something! In your mind, there was nothing we couldn't do as long as we put our minds to it. Now that I am a mom, I realize how lucky I am to have had you there to raise me, to teach me what it means to truly be a strong woman. You dealt with so much, and yet you are still so strong! So, on this day, I want you to know how very much I love you. I want you to know what a tremendous impact you have for good on so many people's lives every day. If I can even be a shred of the kind of mother you are, I will be so grateful! Never again will I say that I don't want to be like you, because quite frankly, there's no one else I would RATHER be like! I hope you know how very much I truly value your friendship, your opinion, and your love. I will always try to twirl for you, and I can't wait to watch my own daughters twirl their way through life for me. Thank you for everything you do for me every day. Happy Mother's Day, Mommy!

"I've watched you, dear mother, each day of my life. I've seen how you smile through the joy and the strife. I've needed your love, and have known you were there. I've seen how you help to bring answers to prayers...depending on my love, my dear mother..."

Always your Pixie...

Lindsay

My Much-Needed Break

Well, Hello All! Here is a long overdue fill-in on what is going on with the fam. I have finally finished the semester (Spring) and due to no financial aid available to me, I am taking a forced vacation from school for the summer. I think it will be good. The kids were starting to complain that I was ALWAYS doing homework (which isn't too far from the truth) and I wasn't spending enough time with them. So, now they will have me all summer long and quite frankly, they will most likely get pretty sick of me. So, here I am, sitting at my blog, listening to my dishwasher run in the background, knowing that my house is pretty clean (for my standards, not my mom's) and feeling pretty decent. I need to get out for a run. Anyway, that's what's up with me. Now for the rest of the family!

Mike is doing okay. Things at work are very slow, and he is really struggling to find a spot there where he feels comfortable. Ever since the false accusation made at him at work, he has constantly felt anger and a huge desire to leave. I certainly can't blame him. But, considering the economy is what it is right now, he's lucky to have a job, so we aren't going to complain too much. Besides work, he is having a much better time. He has lots of side jobs lined up for extra money, but that hasn't stopped him from making time to take Dallin to the skate park or go to soccer games and practices for Audrey and Dallin. Which brings me to my next group: the kids. Audrey and Dallin are playing Spring Outdoor Soccer. Audrey doesn't like it as much and she is ready to try a new sport, but Dallin likes it quite a bit. They are both getting so big. Dallin just turned eight yesterday! I can't believe I have another child getting baptized! I am thrilled, but I am a little sad too. It's amazing how fast one's kids grow up. I have heard the saying, "The days go so slowly, yet the years fly by so fast." It is all too true. Claire will be turning four in a month, and she and Emma are graduating from preschool at the end of May. Well, technically, Claire will be coming back for another year, but Emma is movin on up to Kindergarten. She is very excited, as am I. She has a major jump on the other kids, as she already knows all her letters and sounds and has even started forming them into words. I am constantly amazed at how smart all of my children are.

On sadder news, Mike and I had to cancel our cruise. We are both pretty devastated. We were really looking forward to getting away, just the two of us. Maybe we can afford later to stay in a bed and breakfast for a night or something instead. We are hoping to put together a fun family vacation for sometime in September, right around the three birthdays. We will tell the girls we are going to have a vacation this year to celebrate all our birthdays rather than parties and presents. Hopefully, that will fly! Anyway, we are still trudging along, trying to get everything squared away. Spring always seems to bring with it rebirth and a newfound feeling of rejuvenation. It always seems to help me feel better about life, even when things aren't going as well as I would like. Hope all is well with everyone else! Love you all!

My Running Partner

Hello all,

I realize it has been too long since I wrote, so I decided to get on the ball. To start, I need to let you all know that I love animals. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that I wanted to be a veterinarian as a young child, I volunteered at the Humane Society for a few years in high school and I have always had some sort of pet in my life. Since Mike and I have been married, we have gone through many different animals in an attempt to find the perfect one for our family. We tried cats, but my mom is allergic, so we had to get rid of them. We tried rabbits (still have one of them) and we tried dogs. Big dogs, little dogs, red dogs, yellow dogs...wait, that's a book. Anyway, we have tried lots of dogs!! Cannon, Turbo, Rowdy, and now Bronx. I think we have finally found a keeper. A little history: Mike LOVES cats. He grew up with cats. I grew up with dogs. I LOVE dogs. Allergies trump dislike, so it was agreed that if we had to choose between the two types of pets, we would choose a dog, much to Mike's dismay. Cannon was a puppy--too much work. Turbo was a huge pig--constantly digging in the garbage and eating food right out of Claire's hands. Rowdy was perfect!! Except that he was too big and he shed too much for Mike's liking. Plus, he was blonde, so the hair showed up everywhere. Mike hated that. So, we had to get rid of Mike, I mean Rowdy. ;) After that last one, we decided to get rabbits, but the kids soon lost interest saying that rabbits are boring. It's true. But, finally, Mike agreed that if we could find a dog that doesn't shed, is small, quiet, and good with kids, we could get it. Well, folks, we found him. Bronx. He is my new running partner (on the short runs of course, because I don't think his tiny legs could carry him much further than about 4 miles). He stays right by my feet, never straying, except if a large bus or truck goes by. If that happens, he curls into a scared little ball. He is very nervous all the time. He piddles if he thinks he's in trouble. I think he may have been abused by his previous owner. But, we are showing him what it's like to live in a home where he is loved and treated well. So, after some adjusting time, we are really warming up to this little guy. Best of all...his breed doesn't shed!!! We are all thrilled with that. His eyes are a bit buggy which get mixed reactions from people trying to decide if he's cute or ugly. You decide!

My Evil Bank

I need a place to vent and this blog seems as good a place as any. CHASE BANK SUCKS. I'll say it again: CHASE BANK SUCKS BIG CHUNKS OF DOG POOP. I have had many problems with this bank, but I have finally reached the end of my rope where the desire to stop getting royally screwed is larger than the wish to avoid the hassle of changing all my direct deposit stuff. Every time I have ever made a deposit since Chase took over Washington Mutual, it appears online in my register as "pending" and the next day disappears completely as if it was never there in the first place. I have gone into the branches on three seperate occasions, receipt in hand, to make them aware of their screw-up, but I shouldn't have to do that every time. I went in yesterday morning and made a deposit of $158, $100 of which was cash. Pure, unadulterated CASH which should have posted to my account IMMEDIATELY and stayed there. During the night, 3 checks posted to my account all of which would have been well-covered by only the cash portion of my deposit, let alone the check portion. But, because of this stupid habit Chase has of posting your deposit then making it disappear the next day and reappear magically the third day, made it so these checks took my balance into the hole by a measly $40. Of course, had the deposit actually posted like it was supposed to there wouldn't have been an overdraft in the first place. And, if they had my checking account hooked to my savings account (which also has enough money to cover this supposed indiscretion) they way they said they did, I wouldn't have been charged 68 FRICKING DOLLARS in overdraft fees. So, now I have to drag my butt into Chase AGAIN, even though I should never have to do this in the first place, show them the receipt that proves I did, in fact, make the deposit and they will need to refund me the overdraft fees. This will make the FOURTH time I have had to do this. I shouldn't ever have to do this!! I am DONE with Chase Bank!! I don't care what hassles I have to go through, I will do whatever it takes cause I am DONE!! I hate Chase Bank!! There, I guess I feel a little better, but I won't feel completely better until I give them the finger (which I won't really do because I am classier than that, but I feel like it, that's for sure) and switch to another bank. Now, the question is, which bank should I switch to? Any ideas? Anyway, I hope all of you are having a better day than I am. Thanks for listening to my rant!

My First Baby

When I was 7 1/2, I had a baby. I know what you are thinking--it must have been a doll or something. But, no, it was a real, live, breathing baby. No, it wasn't mine (it was my mom's) but it sure felt like mine. This baby had a very bald head until she was about 2 (just like me). She had blue eyes and she was 9 lbs 2 oz (just like me). Her hair grew in blonde and curly and she had a cute little basketball belly (just like me--except I still have a basketball belly and she, regrefully, does not). She and I would have "conversations" where she would make little baby noises and I would "interpret" them for everyone. In every aspect, she was, in fact, as much my baby in my 7 1/2 year old mind as she was my mother's baby. Caradon and I probably had many fights over who would get to push her in her stroller--Adam didn't really care, he was too busy pushing his head around the carpet like a tractor. I remember that she was the first baby in my entire life that I got to change the diaper. Phew! Crazy baby sure did make a huge mess. But, once I knew how to do it, there was no stopping me from volunteering every time. I'm sure my mom was grateful.

Well, this baby started to grow up. I could regale all the specific stories of the torture my sister, brother, and I put this baby through when she was about five and in her bossy, tattletale stage, but I won't. Let's just suffice it to say that we made her realize that we weren't going to put up with her crap, that's for sure! She continued to grow into a beautiful little girl. Like any big sister, I can remember dressing her up in pretty dresses and doing her hair. Once I did this so I could take pictures of her to draw for my high school art class. Yeah, I know that was a big time jump, but that's what I do. Anyway, she and I had to share a room for a lot of years. We had a nice big house with four bedrooms. But, Caradon got her own cause she was the oldest. And, Adam got his own cause he was the only boy. And, of course, my parents got their own. So, that left me and Sam. She was a good roommate for the most part. She wasn't too annoying and she would get out of bed when she was fast asleep at my insistence so my friend could have her bed and she would sleep on the floor. I was so nice! We had a little tapping code on our walls and to this day I only remember one code phrase, and I am not going to tell what it is, it's our secret. We sang little songs together and made videos together about little girls named Michelle or something like that.

When I was 18, I moved out of my parents house to go to college and left my baby in my brother's capable hands. While I was gone, I would hear stories about the amazing games of basketball she would play, or she would tell me all the latest gossip about her friends. I can remember watching my baby in many amazing plays, showing the world how talented she was (and still is to this day). One of her plays even made me cry! Of course, that's not very hard to do. A couple times she and I would dress up as clowns and go to the local country club to paint faces on the Fourth of July together. It was fun. We would go on walks and have long talks about her life and about her struggles with high school, friends, parents, and all that other kind of stuff when I moved back to Oregon. She has always been an amazing aunt to my kids and they love her more than me, I think! She was and is an amazing person.

One day, after many years of constantly coming to each other for advice and support, she came to me for some support that, in a way, I saw coming, but in another very big way, I didn't. She came to me in tears, holding her heart in her hand to let me know that she was in love with her best friend, who also happened to be a woman. I immediately put my arms around her and we hugged and I can remember thinking how badly I wanted to protect her, how badly I wanted to make everything perfect for her. For a long time, she fought those feelings, trying so hard to please everyone else and to do what she knew to be correct or right at the time. Over time, though, she began to feel that that wasn't what she wanted to do anymore. It was hard on our family for a while. I was so torn. I had to please my husband by supporting his feelings on this matter, but I also had to be true to myself by loving and supporting my baby the same way I had always done since she was born. But, time has a way of healing everything.

It has been a little over three years now since we had that tearful conversation on my bed. I remember it so well because it was on my wedding anniversary and I was holding my 6-month-old daughter in my arms. I can't say that my feelings on this matter have completely healed, and my beliefs are still very much the same. But, I can say that things are as normal now between us as they were before all of that happened. I have come to love Elise very much and I love having her as a part of our family. Sam and I still have our playful banter and Sam's relationship with Mike is back to normal, which I am truly grateful for because I don't have to serve as the mediator or messenger. My kids only know what they need to know about Sam--that she loves them more than life itself and there is nothing she wouldn't do for them. And, that she is tons of fun--way more than Mom is! Sam has always been my first baby. Nothing will ever change that, and nothing will ever stop me from loving her so very much. And, the only thing she had to do to win my affection was to be born, and that was it. Not many people can claim that they earned my affection so easily. I very much look forward to the future that Sam and I have to spend together. I am excited for the amazing things she is going to accomplish in her life, and I am happy for all the people in the world who are going to be better for knowing her. I am certainly a better person because of you, Sam. I love you so much.

My Son's Tender Heart

Tonight Audrey and Mike had a daddy-daughter date, so I got to spend the evening at home with my three youngest children. We decided to have a few little treats and watch a great movie called "Liar, Liar". Now, if you have seen this movie, you know the premise of it. It is basically about a father/son relationship. The dad is a lawyer (played very well by Jim Carrey) and he is always telling his son they will do things together and then backing out usually because of work. The little boy is devastated every time and feels sad that his dad lies to him all the time. So, on his birthday party he makes a wish that his dad can't tell a lie for a whole day. Well, the wish comes true and throughout a day of funny events, the dad finally comes to the realization that his son is so much more important than his job. He gets fired and runs to the airport to try to catch his son and ex-wife as they fly to Boston to look for a new home. He catches the little boy and at the end of the movie, there is a touching scene between Max and his dad where Fletcher (Jim Carrey) tells Max that he loves him so much and he never wants to be away from him again. Now, being me, I of course blubber at this point in the movie, because I tend to apply fictional movie plots to my own life and think about what I would do in that same situation. Well, I turned over to my son who was sitting next to me, and his little chin was quivering and tears were rolling down his face. I pulled him into a hug and asked what was wrong, and he said, "It's just so sad, Mom." I hugged him and reminded him that now the dad and the boy will get to be together all the time. He nodded his head, wiped his tears and after giving me one more hug, he was fine. It melted my heart. Now, I have only seen my own husband cry a handful of times in our marriage, so I know that Dallin didn't pick up this tender-heart-on-his-sleeve mentality from Mike. He got it from me. And, as proud as I am that Dallin is so much like his dad, there are other men in my life that I want Dallin to be like. First, my own dad, who, like Mike, rarely cries. The other, my brudder. Any of you who know Adam will know that he also has a tender heart. Maybe that is because he was raised by so many doting women, or maybe it's just who he is. As an adult, I haven't seen him cry in a very long time, years in fact. But, I can remember watching many movies as children and seeing him cry when animals or babies were in peril, or things just tugged at the old heart strings. Tonight's experience with Dallin gave me a glimpse into my son's tender heart and the fact that he is a strong, manly, truck-loving, paper-airplane-making, get-your-hands-dirty boy just like his dad was at his age. But, he is also a tender-hearted, artistic, kind, gentle, and sensitive boy as well, just like his Papa and his wonderful uncle Adam. I am so grateful that my children have such a good mix of both my side and Mike's. I love all my kids, but there's definitely something special about my one and only son. Sons hold such a special place in their mom's heart. I can only hope that he continues to be such a loving, kind man as he grows up. As long as he keeps getting teary-eyed at tender movies, I won't have to worry!

My Challenge-Week 4

Well, as you all know, I haven't been doing so well since I became so inspired by my sister. Certainly not as well as she has done, but as everyone knows, you should never compare yourself to others, it just doesn't work. Everyone is different, with different strengths and weaknesses. But, today's weigh-in was great. I have lost 4.6 pounds this week! All that hard work paid off, or maybe it was the crying in the bathroom. Either way, I am doing well.

On a sadder note, I studied all day on Thursday for a quiz in Business Law. ALL DAY!! When I went to take it, I felt fairly confident that I would do well, but I scored a 44%. Not even kidding. My jaw literally dropped to the floor. Our teacher warned us that the average score on these quizzes was around 50%, but since I had gotten 88% on the first one, I felt like the smartest person in the world! Second quiz...not so much. It didn't help that the whole hour I was taking the quiz, the computer kept freezing on me, so the 50 minutes I was allotted only actually was about 35, plus two teenage boys were sitting at the computer across from me laughing and talking loudly the last 1/2 hour. I finally asked them to please be quiet, and they said, sorry, then went right back to being loud! I don't do well on tests in loud rooms. Ironically, we were in the library, and no one said anything to them. So frustrating. I vow that the next quiz will be much better, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like I might be taking on too much. My kids needed me that day, but I kept shooing them away because I was trying to study. Then, I got that crappy score and felt like my efforts weren't worth it. On a happier note, I scored 105% on my Spanish test. Now, that's more like it! =)