My Skirts

I haven't been able to fit into most of my skirts, dresses, nice slacks, or button-front shirts for quite some time. It's so frustrating because what was once too big a year and a half ago is now too small. It really upsets me that I let myself go so far. I have attended our new ward here now for five weeks and I have worn the same skirt and shirt each time. I'm sure everyone is wondering if I own any other clothes! It's becoming my church uniform! But, sadly, it's because none of my other cute skirts fit! This one just BARELY fit and I couldn't wait to get out of it after three hours of torture!

So, I figure I have two choices. One, I can go buy more clothes, or two, I can lose weight. Both of these options are very difficult for me. I RARELY buy anything for myself. I can't seem to justify spending money on clothes for me when my kids need new shoes or clothes, or Mike has been waiting forever to have new boots, or something on the house needs fixed, or something on the car needs fixed...the list goes on and on! So, I don't feel that my clothes should take priority. On the other hand, losing weight is a very slow and tedious process. It involves a lot of extra activity, cutting out foods that I love (at least in the portions I am used to) and not any extra laying-around time.

I had to choose one. So, since money is a much more daunting obstacle than losing weight, I went with the lesser of the two evils. I decided to lose weight. Again. How many times have I "decided" to lose weight in my life? Probably 75 or more, not even joking. I am happy to report that I am getting back into a groove. I have been going strong for 5 1/2 days now and I haven't messed up once. I think a lot of my motivation is coming from finally getting my head right again. Now, I know I am going to have to wear my uniform a few more weeks. But, it won't be long until I am finally able to put on another skirt and prove to my new ward that I do, in fact, have other clothes. That will be one sweet day indeed.

My Hindsight

Do you ever have one of those days where you are constantly looking backward, wishing you had done things so differently? I've been having a lot of those days lately. As most of you know, I am not a happy girl. I never have been, and since I was about 16 years old, I have had to take medication to balance that out. When I am on it, I feel fine and I don't believe that there is anything wrong with me. But, if I get off it, Mike is usually able to tell first, and then slowly every other family member who is around me gets to see the real, unmedicated me come out. It's not a pretty sight. All of my family knows what I am talking about, but very few friends do. That's because it is rare for me to be off my "brain medicine", as I tell my kids, for very long. Well, I have been off of it for about 45 days now. Honestly, I have never been able to tell a difference between being on and off. When I am off, I usually just chalk it up to whatever is going on in my life and say it's stress. But, this time around has been different. For the first time in a VERY long time (at least 16 years), I finally realized that I needed this medicine.

In my defense, we haven't had medical insurance because of the 30-day trial period for Mike's new job. But, we finally got it a few days ago, so my excuse was invalid. It wasn't until I spent all of Tuesday basically in my room, sleeping and trying to shut out the world, that I finally realized something was wrong. My kids spent the entire time downstairs and if they came upstairs, I would yell. It was awful. Why am I telling you all this? I have no idea. I guess because a blog is a place for you to really be yourself and admit your shortcomings. I figure anyone who reads this won't judge me.

So, yesterday I finally went to the doctor to get a prescription. She was surprised I had made it as long as I had without completely losing it. I have had my moments, I admit it, and I am afraid that poor Chris and Penny have had to see those moments up close and personal. Well, Chris not so much, but poor Penny....Poor, poor Penny! =) I got my prescription yesterday and I finally have it filled and I am back on. It will take a few weeks for it to kick in, but once it does, things will be so much better! I swear, the sun is shining a little brighter today!

Now, why do I call this blog "My Hindsight"? Well, I think that should be obvious: I should have prepared better. I should have filled my prescription one last time right before we moved so I would have had a 30-day supply or something. But, hindsight is always 20/20 as they say and you always know the PERFECT thing you SHOULD HAVE done after the fact. I guess this should hopefully teach me for next time. But, at least now I can finally start enjoying my new life and trying to truly make the best of it without my unbalanced dopamine levels screwing things up for me. Now maybe I should break into a Brady Bunch song. That seems appropriate: "I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name..."