My Hindsight

Do you ever have one of those days where you are constantly looking backward, wishing you had done things so differently? I've been having a lot of those days lately. As most of you know, I am not a happy girl. I never have been, and since I was about 16 years old, I have had to take medication to balance that out. When I am on it, I feel fine and I don't believe that there is anything wrong with me. But, if I get off it, Mike is usually able to tell first, and then slowly every other family member who is around me gets to see the real, unmedicated me come out. It's not a pretty sight. All of my family knows what I am talking about, but very few friends do. That's because it is rare for me to be off my "brain medicine", as I tell my kids, for very long. Well, I have been off of it for about 45 days now. Honestly, I have never been able to tell a difference between being on and off. When I am off, I usually just chalk it up to whatever is going on in my life and say it's stress. But, this time around has been different. For the first time in a VERY long time (at least 16 years), I finally realized that I needed this medicine.

In my defense, we haven't had medical insurance because of the 30-day trial period for Mike's new job. But, we finally got it a few days ago, so my excuse was invalid. It wasn't until I spent all of Tuesday basically in my room, sleeping and trying to shut out the world, that I finally realized something was wrong. My kids spent the entire time downstairs and if they came upstairs, I would yell. It was awful. Why am I telling you all this? I have no idea. I guess because a blog is a place for you to really be yourself and admit your shortcomings. I figure anyone who reads this won't judge me.

So, yesterday I finally went to the doctor to get a prescription. She was surprised I had made it as long as I had without completely losing it. I have had my moments, I admit it, and I am afraid that poor Chris and Penny have had to see those moments up close and personal. Well, Chris not so much, but poor Penny....Poor, poor Penny! =) I got my prescription yesterday and I finally have it filled and I am back on. It will take a few weeks for it to kick in, but once it does, things will be so much better! I swear, the sun is shining a little brighter today!

Now, why do I call this blog "My Hindsight"? Well, I think that should be obvious: I should have prepared better. I should have filled my prescription one last time right before we moved so I would have had a 30-day supply or something. But, hindsight is always 20/20 as they say and you always know the PERFECT thing you SHOULD HAVE done after the fact. I guess this should hopefully teach me for next time. But, at least now I can finally start enjoying my new life and trying to truly make the best of it without my unbalanced dopamine levels screwing things up for me. Now maybe I should break into a Brady Bunch song. That seems appropriate: "I think I'll go for a walk outside now, the summer sun's calling my name..."

My New Year's Resolutions

Every year I make them, and every year I break them. Sad. I know. But, maybe this year will be different. I am making huge changes in my life this year, so maybe I can actually keep my resolutions, which would also be a change. So, here they are. Honestly, they are usually the same every year, and it is frustrating that I can't keep them. We'll see.

1. FHE every week
2. Scriptures with family every night
3. Temple once a month
4. Never get behind by more than two weeks on tithing
5. Regular exercise every week
6. Healthy eating with treats only once in a while
7. Less phone, more sleep
8. Good grades (shouldn't be TOO hard to keep this one!)
9. Don't yell at my kids as much, if at all
10. More compliments to and dates with Mikey; think about his needs more before my own

I know this seems like a lot, but I am pretty good at keeping all of these, just not on a regular basis. So, my main goal is to just do better on them. I don't need to be perfect, but next year on New Year's Eve, I'd like to look back and feel like I did a lot better this year. That's my number one resolution--just do my best.

My Daughter's Awesome Self Esteem

When I was eleven years old, I was so self-conscious, it was painful! I was constantly worried about what other people thought of me and whether or not I was pretty or thin or good enough. It was an awful way for a beautiful, talented little girl to live. I have tried really hard to tell my daughters that they are wonderful and beautiful and smart and talented and important. I'd like to think that they are getting the picture and I really think that Audrey is, and that makes me happy. Recently, she decided that she wanted to express herself through her hair. I pondered this request for a while and I decided that I would let her. I don't want to be one of those moms who never let their kids do anything and then eventually the kids do a major backfire and do everything against their parents will. So, I gave in to this little thing. Hair grows back, or at least that's what I keep telling myself. I don't particularly like the new hairdo, but Audrey does, and it makes her feel powerful. So, that's what I DO like about it. I truly hope with all my heart that as Audrey gets older and enters middle school that this self-esteem of hers will continue to be so strong.

My Frustrations (Are a Result of My Expectations)

Yes, Dad. My frustrations are a result of my expectations. I know. But, I can't help it. When it comes to school, my expectations of myself are very high. They always have been. So, it only seems natural that when I score badly on a test, I berate myself to no end and then vow to do better next time. Well, that's what I have been doing, but it's not working. I have been getting bad score after bad score and it's really starting to get to me. Okay, it actually got to me a long time ago. Why is this happening? I don't understand! I got 100% on an accounting quiz a few weeks ago and on my last one I got exactly 80%. Some people might not be appalled at this, but I am. That's 20% less than what I should be getting, especially in accounting. Or, how about the 76% I got on one of my Geography midterms? Then there was the 64% I got on my last Biology midterm. I took another one last night and I haven't found out the results yet. If it's as abysmal as the last few, I am in big trouble. I have already resigned myself to the fact that I am not getting a 4.0 this semester. Okay. But, could I at least get some Bs out of the classes rather than Cs or, heaven forbid, a D? Ugh. I need a break. Stress sucks.

My Latest Update

Hello All,
As most of you know, we went to Texas this last weekend to attend the temple to watch Mike's brother Chris and his family be sealed for time and all eternity. What a huge blessing that was for us! I had the honor and privilege of being Penny's escort as she made her way through the temple for the first time. It's nice to do that because it gives me a fresh perspective on the blessings I get from attending the temple. I hope that Mike and I can have a new desire to start going more often.

On a more bittersweet (but exciting) note, Mike also had the interview with Holt Cat in Irving. It's looking more and more like Heavenly Father wants us in Texas. I will miss Utah and the people I have met and love so much here, but I am looking forward to opening a new and exciting chapter in my life. The interview went better than Mike or I could have ever hoped for. Not only did they tell Mike they want him so badly that they will create a position for him, they also said that they will continue to pay him what he makes here with room to grow and all the overtime he wants. We are so excited to get going. In some ways, I want to leave right now! But, we are still waiting on our home situation to be figured out. If we can get that taken care of, then there is nothing stopping us except the sheer amount of packing. The garage alone could take upwards of a month!

I had the chance to look at some houses while we were there and I toured the elementary school the kids will go to. It is wonderful! I am so much more excited for them to go there than I am for them to be at Fox Hills. We attended our potential ward and everyone was very friendly and inviting. That's one of the things I love about our church. It doesn't vary no matter where you are in the world. I really need a fresh start like this. I also saw my campus that I will be attending and I found out that in Arlington, they have all-day kindergarten!! I can't wait! Not that I don't love Claire, but it just means that I can be that much closer to attending school full-time or even working during the day doing accounting. So, the countdown has begun. We will see what Heavenly Father has in store for us. I can't wait!

My Toasty Home

Right now I am sitting on my trusty leather couch, listening to a fire crackle in the fireplace. My kids have just gotten done playing in the snow and the girls are now lying on the floor with their feet held up in front of the fire. I just got done cleaning the kitchen and the dishwasher is running in the background. Dallin is sitting at the table doing homework and the window is bright from the sun reflecting on the snow outside. Mike is out with some buddies working in the garage and the dumb dog is laying at my feet, asleep. We had some Christmas music playing before Audrey started practicing her cello. Now it's back on and we are enjoying our morning. I hope everyone else is having a nice one too! Love to all!

My Quandary

As you all know, I have gone through about a zillion dogs since we have lived here in SLC. I have never been able to find the perfect one. Cannon was a puppy, so he chewed on everything and was just too much work. Plus, I was pregnant with Claire at the time, so I just didn't have the patience! Then, there was Turbo. Turbo. What can you say about that dog? He was cute, but he consistently took food from the kids hands, knocked over the garbage can, constantly pooped in the house...I was done. Then, there was Rowdy. Rowdy was the best dog ever. I couldn't ask for a better dog. But, Mike didn't like him. Apparently, his blonde dog hair was too much for Mike to deal with. Man, I wish I would have just told Mike to shove it on that one, but I didn't. So, we gave him to a friend in the ward. Now we are onto Bronx. Bronx seemed like the perfect dog. But, from the beginning he peed every once in a while in the house. I thought it was because he wasn't neutered, so I got him neutered. Yeah, that didn't help. Then, I thought maybe a dog door would help. At first, it seemed to, but for some reason he is scared of Mike (which might be part of the problem) or he doesn't like the cold weather (which I doubt is the problem). But, today alone I have found poop and pee in my birthday room, pee in Dallin's room, and poop in Emma's room. I have tried and tried to get the kids to close their bedroom doors, but alas, no luck. So, I have reached the end of my rope. For some reason, I am having trouble allowing this dog to leave even though I don't exactly like him. Maybe it's something about his buggy eyes, or the way he snores when he sleeps. But, I have posted him on KSL and I am hoping that he will go to a family who will love him. I can't count how many times I have had to clean up dog pee while we have lived in this house. But, I have decided that this is it. We are not getting another dog again. Maybe a goldfish would be better suited for our family. In the meantime, I have some rooms to clean. Does anyone have a pooper scooper I can borrow?