My Christmas

I am ashamed to say I have not gotten my Christmas decor out, I have not gotten a tree, and we just barely got our house lights up. You'd think I'd be on top of that because of the huge Christmas we are having this year. Maybe that's why I haven't. I have been so busy with finals, getting the house clean and ready for company, busy with kids, etc, that I just haven't really thought about it. If it weren't for the kids constant reminding, I would be willing to bet that Christmas Eve would come along and I would sadly still be undecorated. It's odd too because I have been listening to Christmas music constantly, my Christmas shopping is done except for stocking stuffers, and we have been busily making all kinds of plans. But, yet, no decor. I had better get on top of this stuff!! We have less than three weeks until the big day!!

My Half Marathon

It's about time I got my procrastinating butt on here and typed an entry. I could give this whole list of excuses as to why I haven't gotten on here, but none of them would really fly, so I will just say that I am here now, so here I go. I participated in my half marathon on the 30th of October, and boy was it unlike anything I have ever experienced!! I thought all my training runs had given me an idea of what it would be like, but I guess I had no idea! Becky and I rode busses up to the tent at the starting line and waited for an hour and a half in the cold. We peed twice, tried unsuccessfully to take cute pictures of ourselves on our phones, and just chatted and had fun. It was nice to spend that time with my friend. But, as soon as the starting gun went off, we parted ways, Becky zooming ahead as I had expected her to and me trudging along behind. My goal had been to run the whole thing and get in at just under 2:30. I met one of those goals, the most important one: I ran the whole way, never stopping to walk even once. But, I missed my time goal by just a measly three minutes! I was frustrated for a split second, but then it hit me that I had just run a half marathon! Something not many people can say they have done! As is my tradition, I dedicated a mile to very special people in my life, so now starts the novel in which I tell everyone my dedications. I hope you have a while to sit and read!! Here goes:

Mile One: This one is for Pam Hansen. She is a writer and her story of loss in every sense of the word made me want to start running in the first place. She is a wonderful woman and I love her story!

Mile Two: This one is for all my friends who are always encouraging me, especially my "Ant" Cheri. They tell me constantly how great I am doing and how awesome I am looking. It is because of wonderful friends and family that people are able to make it through a day. Ant Cheri, you are and always will be my most favorite aunt in the world. You have always encouraged me as well as any mother could, and I am proud to be your "Button".

Mile Three: This mile is for one friend in particular: Becky Weller. She and I have run many races together, always checking in with each other, sharing our stories of painful muscles, incompetent lungs, horrible-tasting GU and many other runners' laments. Aside from that, she is my "Bestie" and I am grateful for her.

Mile Four: This one is for Jared Parkinson. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have trained nearly as hard, and I wouldn't have lost twenty pounds in two months. You are an amazing person, Jared, and I hope for only the best things to happen in your life.

Mile Five: This one is for Mom and Dad. Mom, you have always wanted your kids to live a better life, always improving and never accepting things just because they were easy. Dad, you always have a wise bit of advice to give, or a listening ear, and I have been so grateful for that in my times of crisis. Both of my parents are amazing and I am so incredibly grateful to have them in my life. Mom, I don't know if you know how badly I want to please you, but I am grateful you have taught me that life isn't about pleasing other people. It's about pleasing you Heavenly Father and yourself. Thanks for lovingly watching me twirl and helping me up when I fell. I love you both.

Mile Six: This one is for Caradon. Of course, it's for Brad and the boys too, but mostly for her. Caradon, you were my first best friend in this world, and you always will be my best friend. I am truly blessed to have had a sister as wonderful as you. I am always amazed at what a patient, unselfish, and loving person you are, and I can only hope and pray to aspire to reach your level of "perfection" someday. If everyone was like you, this world would be a much better place. I love you!

Mile Seven: Samantha, you were my first baby in this world. Even though you were technically Mom's daughter, you were MY baby, and I loved you so much. I still do and I always will. Even if your path in life is quite different than mine, I truly believe we will arrive at the same destination. I am just glad that I have your hand to hold onto when I feel alone or scared or need a really good belly laugh. You are always the person I will turn to for that. I love you more than any other little sister in this world! Tap, tap, tap.

Mile Eight: My Addie. Oh, how I miss you, my little brudder. You will never know how much, and I can't even explain why. You are the one who has encouraged me from the beginning telling me over and over that this is not an impossible task for me! Now, here I am, running a half marathon! I never would have thought that I would be out there doing something like that in a million years, and you will never know how many times your voice or your face has floated into my mind on my long runs, inspiring me to keep running. I love you so much!!

Mile Nine: To my kids. You guys are what keep me going. Whenever I feel like checking out, your sweet little voices and your beautiful laughter fill my ears and my heart overflows with love. Granted, you also provide me with the most trials in my life, but those are what make people stronger. You four are my life and I would be dead without you. I am doing this so I can hopefully be an example to you of a healthy lifestyle and so I can be around for a long time with you. I love you, my sweet babies, more than you will ever know!

Mile Ten: Okay, here come the major waterworks. This mile is for my Papa. I know that even though you aren't here with me physically, Papa, you are there with me on the course. You have been with me through every run I have finished, every triumph I have experienced in my life. I know that you are proud of me. I heard a quote once. It goes like this, "This is for my grandfather, who never, ever could have run a marathon, and who never, ever would have doubted for a moment that I could." This describes my Papa perfectly. He always made me feel like the most important, amazing child in the world. I love you so much, Papa. You are etched into my heart permanently, and when I die, yours will be the first face I fervently search for.

Mile Eleven: Now, I am nearing the end of my journey, so this mile goes to the one who has been my biggest support. Mike, you have always been there for me, even when I don't deserve it. Whether you are texting me on my runs, encouraging me to keep going, or rubbing my feet afterwards after holding my hair back so I could puke! You told me how beautiful I was even when I was at my worst. You have loved me unconditionally since we met, and if it weren't for you, I might be dead right now. Mike, you are my heart. My life has more laughter, more love, and more happiness in it because of you. I love you the most!! =0)

Mile Twelve: Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I cannot count how many times I have come to both of you tears, pleading for help, and always feeling like things were going to be okay once I got up off my knees. My Savior has given the ultimate sacrifice so that I can come back to live with Him and my Father in Heaven again. The least I can do is try my hardest to be a better person for them both. Nothing in my life that has been good has happened without your guiding hand, Father. I know that thou art my strength and my guide--all I have to do is follow.

Mile Thirteen Point One: This mile is for me. Ultimately, I am the one who has put in all the hard work. Even with contracts or encouraging words from friends and family, I could have easily given up a long time ago, but I didn't. I know that I am stronger than I once was and I can only get stronger. Even if I don't make it to the end of this race in less than 2 1/2 hours, at least I will make it to the end. That much I know, because I am a strong, capable, beautiful woman. I can do anything I put my mind to.

My Fashion Icon

So, I promised I would write about my shopping trip with Audrey and her friend, Alexia after it happened. Well, here goes! To say the least, my daughter has a unique style about her. I knew that she would love Rue 21 (plus, it helped that I had a 40% off my entire order coupon) and I was right. She was in preteen heaven. Normally, you wouldn't take a ten-year-old into Rue 21 because it's geared toward teens and young-at-heart-adults. But, Audrey is not your average-sized ten-year-old. Audrey is nearly five feet tall and weighs close to 100 pounds. She is the size of most 13-year-olds. So, it is safe to say she has grown out of children's sizes and has moved into juniors sizes, a little to my chagrin, but what can ya do?

Audrey was immediately drawn to all the fluffy skirts. There were more ruffles than you'd find on Madonna in the 80s on these things--it's amazing how styles go full circle. She got a few skirts, some leggings to go under them because, after all, modest is hottest! =) She got a ruffly shirt and a cute little hat and a few other things. She got a pair of boots and a cute little pair of black flats with "diamonds" on the toes. She is turning into quite the lady. We got her a pair of jeans and a pair of black slacks. All in all, this kid made out with a lot of great stuff and I didn't even have to spend an arm and a leg thanks to my thriftiness (thanks, Mom). That evening, after I had run ten miles and was sitting miserably on the couch in my PJs after just having thrown up twice, I tried to enjoy their fashion show. But, after about two outfits, they could tell I was dead on arrival, so they all went downstairs to watch a movie while I climbed wearily into bed. Overall, it was a good day, and I have to say I am impressed with Audrey's eye for unique, yet cute, outfits. Now, if only I could get her to shower everyday, we'd be good to go.

My 30 Pounds

I know, I know...it's been a very long time since I wrote. Things have been busy, what can I say? I hit 30 pounds lost this morning since I started this journey back in February. It has taken me FOREVER mostly because I had a three-month hiatus and said screw it and gained back 12 of the 20 I had lost. But, now I am back on track at 191.8, EXACTLY 30 pounds less than when I started. I still have 42 to go, but only six more pounds and I will be halfway there! That's quite an accomplishment. I am also running my first 10 mile run tonight. Wish me luck! Well, I wish I could talk longer, but I have to get ready for my shopping date with two of my favorite preteens in the world, Audrey and Alexia. We are going to shop til we drop for new clothes for Audrey. It's about time I actually bought her some new clothes. I have been blessed for the past ten years not to have to buy anything for her and just receive generous hand-me-downs from friends and family. But, now that she is coming into her own style, she gets new clothes as a late birthday present. I am sure it will be quite entertaining! I will tell everyone all about my two big adventures that I am going to have later this week! Wish me luck.

My Happy Day

Today is good. Today I ran four miles in my best time yet...44 minutes. That is an 11 minute mile. Usually I run at least 11:28 per mile. Thank goodness for my iFit from my hubby. Oh, how I love him and the support he gives me in all this! It was a beautiful day today. Not too hot, just 70 degrees and a small wind blowing. The sun is shining, and there are people out doing yardwork, there were even some nice sprinklers to run through. Now, I am home, feeling good about myself, looking around at a nice, clean kitchen, again, thanks to my awesome hubby. All I have to do is make the bed, straighten up a few little things and vacuum. Then, I can rest and start in on my homework. Of course, there's always time in between those things to do a little update on my blog. Priorities, ya know! =) I hope you have as happy of a day as I am having, people!

My Misery

Honestly, I think today's run was my most painful. Before I elaborate, I have to brag a little and tell you all that on Saturday night, I ran eight miles without stopping to walk. Ran the whole thing. So, I know that I can easily do six miles on flat terrain, especially considering the first three miles of the Saturday run were almost straight uphill!! So, today after the kids were all at school, I got my little water pack on and my iPod in and I was ready and rarin to go. I had had some allergies for a few days, but nothing horrible so far. Boy, did that change.

I went out into the cool morning air, and started going. The wind was blowing in my face which didn't bother me at first, but then I got to about a third of a mile and it really started picking up. The air here is extremely dry, not to mention all the smoke smell in the air from Herriman. (I love you, Becky.) I was running, and my eyes were pouring out water. My nose was on fire, literally, or at least that's how it felt. I have never wanted to cry so badly during a run as I did today. People driving by must have thought I WAS crying because my face was all scrunched up, tears were pouring out of my eyes and I was sniffeling so much. I would like to think that I am one tough cookie, but this run really tested that theory.

Against all odds, though, I kept going. Granted, I didn't run the whole thing, but it really wasn't a mental thing. I literally couldn't see, so I had to slow down. The wind was really blowing by about mile three. My cheeks under my eyes were completely raw by this time from me rubbing away the tears and the wind blowing against the wetness for so long. Oh, it was so miserable!!!! I can't put enough exclamation points to emphasize how miserable it was. But, I did it. All six miles, albeit slowly, but done just the same. I AM one tough cookie after all.

My Accomplishment

You know, there are a thousand reasons not to reach goals you have set for yourself. For me, there are about 10,000. Or, at least four very obvious ones in the form of pesky (but wonderful) children. There is always the husband who cooks delectable meals in quantities rightly fit for about 15 people, no exaggeration. That could derail any of the best-laid plans. There is the severe lack of energy most young mothers have that would prevent one from running the seven miles that's on the training schedule for that day. There is the fact that there really are more important things to be doing other than writing down every little thing that you eat and keeping careful track of calories and fat and fiber. See, there are a lot of reasons not to reach my lofty goals!

On the other hand, there are about 10,000 reason TO meet those goals as well. There is the fact that I will be happy and have a sense of accomplishment and everyone knows that a happy mom means everyone else is happy, and vice versa. There is the fact that I am going to be in the best physical shape of my life. There is the fact that I am going to look GOOD in those jeans that have been sitting on my closet shelf for five years just waiting for me to be able to fit into them. The list goes on and on.

Well, yesterday I stepped on that old scale for my weekly weigh-in and I was finally below 200 pounds. Now, I am not brave enough to put this number on the Facebook page, but I figure anyone who reads my blog probably already knows my weight to begin with. If they don't, then I figure that if they love me enough to actually read my blog, then they will still love me just as much even if they know that I once topped well over 200 pounds. I could even get really brave and tell you my highest weight in Spring of 2003, but I figure, if you really want to know that one, you can give me a call. Let's just suffice it to say that since then, I have lost at least Claire and Emma combined. I feel like I have accomplished so much, and even though I have a lot longer to go, it's nice to have reached that milestone. I also promised myself a new outfit when I get below 195, and I only have 2 pounds to go until I reach that goal! Anyone wanna go shopping with me next Saturday? There's something else for me to shoot for!

My First Day of Preschool

I took a deep breath, then got out of bed. I had dreamed about it all night long. I had dreamed that I wouldn't be able to take the girls because I didn't have any money, I dreamed that I would get into a car accident on the way there. I had been looking forward to this day for a really long time. I started getting dressed, hearing the rustling downstairs and the hushed, yet excited, whispers of, "It's our first day of preschool today, Claire!! C'mon, let's get dressed!" I smiled to myself as I walked out into the kitchen to start getting ready for the biggest day in my youngest girls' lives. So far, at least.

They came up the stairs, as fast as their little legs could carry them. Ah, the excitement of one's first ever day of school. Along came Audrey and Dallin, already plodding toward impending doom and barely into the third week of their new school year. Another little laugh out of me while I poured the Trix into the bowl and slowly watched the milk change from white to orange to pink. Emma and Claire downed their cereal before I even had a chance to finish making the PB and J sandwiches for Audrey and Dallin's lunch and were already ready to take the next step. "Mom, we have to take baths, right? Don't we? Huh?" I had to shoosh them so I could finish the lunches, tucking my little 'Mommy loves you, have a good day' note into the lunchbag and setting them on the counter.

"All right, come on. Time for baths." I had set out some cute outfits for them before they had bounded up the stairs and so those were ready to go. I swear the first day or two of school is the only day besides picture day that my children look somewhat good for school. After that, all bets are off. Today was no exception. The girls were fresh and clean, hair smelling like Pantene shampoo, every little nook and cranny scrubbed to a fresh shine. After we did their hair with cute matching bows and we had read scriptures, I sent the older two off for school, then got myself dressed. I was wearing scrub bottoms and an old T-shirt and tennis shoes, knowing that I was going to celebrate my newfound freedom today with a nice run in the perfect weather after the preschool train left the station.

When the time finally came for the kids to go, they put on their backpacks, all grins and bouncing, and stood at the door to take pictures. I was starting to get just as excited as they were. We drove to Miss Nicole's Preschool, the minutes passing like molasses to all of us. Emma was an old pro, but Claire was so excited, she couldn't even stand it. We pulled in front of the house and climbed out. We walked up to the front where Miss Nicole was waiting, taking pictures of the kids. Claire started walking up the stairs without even a wave, and I got a little choked up, I'll admit it. I had had a year's worth of practice leaving Emma for 2 hours every Tuesday and Thursday for a while now, but not my little Claire Bear. This was the end of an era for me! First no more diapers, then preschool! Soon, she'd be dating, then out of the house for good! I gave them each a kiss goodbye and watched them walk away, a little bit older than they had been that morning. No mother is ever ready for this day, but don't worry. I survived. It was a great first day of preschool!

My Update

Hello all,
I don't want you to think I have forgotten about my blog. I haven't. I have just been very busy with school which started for me last Wednesday, and for the kids, last Monday. It has been nice to have a quiet house most of the day, except for the occasional outburst of arguing from Emma and Claire. They will start preschool on the 7th, so I am very much looking forward to that.

I am doing well on my contract journey with my friend. We have both done well these past two and a half weeks, neither of us faltering. I guess we care about each other more than we thought. Either that, or neither of us wants to be the dope who messes up first! Either way, I have lost six pounds so far in the last two weeks and on Saturday will be my weekly moment of truth to find out if I have lost any more. More importantly, I FEEL better and I feel like food doesn't control every thought I have during the day. That could also be owing to the fact that I am a lot more busy and boredom has a way of making me head for the cupboard. I hope you are all doing well. Saturday will hopefully be a record day for me, finally putting me under 200 for the first time in 12 years. At one point I was barely under 200 a few months ago, but I don't count that, since the next day I was back up above it and by three weeks later I was at 208. Yeah, that was when I decided I really needed to do something. I just didn't get my idea for the contract until way later. Anyway, I will post when I reach that amazing milestone. In the meantime, I gotta get back to my Spanish and Business Philosophy! Wish me luck! =)

My Death

I have decided on a few good ways to die. The best way would be in my peaceful sleep next to my husband when I am 95 years old. The next best way would be to die in my sleep even if my husband weren't there with me when I am 95. After that, the ways are all downhill from there. Nothing other than those two ways would really be preferable, but there are a few I can think of that I would not like. I would not like to fall off of something really high. The anticipation of what was coming would really suck. I would not want to drown, because I just can't imagine getting water in my lungs. I would definitely not want to die in a fire because of the tremendous pain. But, mostly? I would not want to die while running. That's truly how I felt this morning and I think I would have keeled over at any moment if I didn't know my kids were home by themselves and I was half a block away from them.

Today was my "Wednesday's going to suck, I have to run five miles" day. Normally, these past few long runs, I have done really well on my time, I have never stopped to walk; I have been really proud of the way I have performed these last few times. Today's run stopped that trend dead in its tracks, no pun intended. I was SO tired. I think that was the main problem. I wasn't thirsty, I had a drink the whole time. I was kind of sore from the weight lifting I had done the day before. I was really tired from the fact that I had gone to bed around midnight the past two nights. Ugh. Just so you all know, running would not be the way to go. Do yourselves a favor and remember that when we all plan our deaths, don't make running the way we die. It's just not worth it!

My Proposition

Everyone has their free agency. Everyone has their issues too; whether it be addiction, depression, anxiety, or any other number of things. With that free agency we are free to decide if that addiction or other problem is going to rule our life or not. As I have mentioned in my previous blogs, I firmly believe I have an addiction to food. When I am tired, I eat. When I am bored, I eat. At family functions, I eat until I am beyond stuffed, then I eat more because it tastes good. I have always tried many ways to succeed in kicking this habit and I have been sort of successful on many occasions. But, usually, I end up losing my motivation, mainly because I don't feel I am worth fighting for. My friends, my kids, my family, my husband...those people are worth fighting for. But, for some reason, I struggle with that concept when it comes to myself.

The other day I had an epiphony while I was driving. If I can't stay motivated for myself, maybe I can stay motivated for someone else. No one else in my life has a weight problem that they are in a position to do anything about at the moment, so that is out the window. Then, I thought of one of my dear friends who is really struggling with their own addiction right now: alcohol and tobacco. Those are very powerful addictions as well, and maybe my friend would want to try to quit using those crutches in their life and I can stop using my crutches with them. So, I made a proposition to my friend the other night. Basically, the idea of my friend hurting their health by smoking and drinking really hurt me. I know how I felt when Mike and I were dating and I was trying to get him to quit those things. It was tough to stand there feeling helpless and watch him ruin his life. So, I helped him quit. Granted, things were different between me and Mike than they are between me and my friend. Nonetheless, my desire for them to quit is as strong as my desire was for Mike to quit. Why not use that desire to my own benefit as well?

My friend agreed to my proposition last night and we signed our own little contract. I was on Cloud Nine. If one of us messes up on our side, it allows the other to mess up on theirs. I certainly don't want to mess up on my side, thus allowing my friend a serving of alcohol or a cigarette. We are doing this through the end of the year. It's our Good Health Contract. It is my hope that if we are successful through the end of the year, those cravings won't be so strong for either of us and we will be able to move ahead on our own. If not, maybe we will write up another contract--who knows. In the meantime, if I can't stay motivated for myself, I know I can stay motivated for my friend. In a small way, my friend's life may depend on it. I know, I know it's a big commitment--for both of us really. But, my friend is worth it. I am worth it.

My Clean House...or Not

I grew up in a very strictly-clean house. My mom ran it like a museum, teaching us from the very beginning to clean up after ourselves at every turn. We had rotating job charts, the "time-out basket" (a basket my mom would put our toys in for a week if she had to pick it up. We couldn't play with that toy until the week was done. Needless to say, the basket was usually pretty full.) Mom was a stickler for keeping a clean home, which certainly isn't a bad thing, but very difficult for us kids to live up to Mom's standards. I learned how to clean like a pro, and to this day, when I want to, I can clean a mean toilet. But, those are the key words: when I want to. Which is usually...never. Nada. Uh-uh. Not gonna do it. My siblings on the other hand, are a different story.

Caradon is a very neat and tidy person. Everything has it's place, everything needs to be in a certain order. But, she is not really "clean" either, at least not according to Mom's standards. On the surface everything looks good. "Blitzed" as Dad would call it. But, if you really look, she has just as much dust as I do, and her floors aren't always mopped like mine are never, and her toilet has only slightly less bite to it than mine. But, her beds are actually made, her dishes are always done, and her counters are always cleaned, and her laundry is ALWAYS done! That's Caradon's favorite chore, and mine as well. It takes the least amount of effort...that's why I like it. I am not sure why Caradon likes it.

Adam is the hyper version of my mom. If that's even possible. It's like he took everything she taught us and multiplied it by ten and added two. The man HATES dirt. On his mission, his companions called him Danny Tanner. Anyone who is familiar with the show "Full House" will understand that reference. Luckily for him, Katie, his wife, is on the same boat as he is, so they work well together as a team making sure their home is presentable and clean. Again, a really great thing! Just not the way I roll...

Then, there is little Samantha. I think she is a happy medium between Adam and Caradon. She is clean, and actually quite a little germ-o-phobe. But, at the same time, she doesn't have little kids to clean up after and all her housemates are adults, so I am willing to bet, they all work together well in cleaning. Hmmm, to be quite honest, I haven't been over to her house enough to give you an idea of what kind of housekeeper in general she is. Sorry, Sam, I will have to eventually work on that one! =)

As for me, well, I am the complete opposite of my mom, my siblings and everyone in the world combined when it comes to cleanliness. On the rare occasion when my house is actually presentable, it is very nice. I can remember one of those times back in Oregon. One of my best friends, Brianna, used to come over and hang out quite often. So, she saw the house in it's normal state. I can remember one day that she popped by after I had done a top-to-bottom scrubdown and it looked pretty dang good. She was in awe..."Wow, Lindsay, the house is really clean," was her comment. I laughed and then I thought, "How sad, Lindsay. You really need to clean the house more often so that you don't always have to warn people before they come in the door or apologize to them before they use your bathroom. You really should have some clean dishes on hand for people or actually have clean laundry for people to wear." But, then I remembered who I am, and I just shrugged. Eh, I'll do it tomorrow...maybe.

My Addiction

I have decided to take my aunt's advice and not be so hard on myself...starting tomorrow. For now, I have to have one last blog in an attempt to kick myself in the butt toward success! Now, for those of you who know me, I tend to be a perfectionist in some aspects of my life. Grades are one of those areas--if I don't get A's, I get very hard on myself. Crafty stuff tends to be in one of those areas as well--I like the products of my hard labor to be beautiful and without obvious flaws. One area of my life, however, that does not fall into the perfectionist category is my weight loss.

Like most people who struggle with this, I tend to do really well for about two or three months. I stick to my exercise regime and my eating plan like glue, never wavering. But, for some reason, when I hit that twenty-pound mark, I most definitely start to waver. I don't even know why either! Maybe my subconscious says, "Okay, Lindsay, enough is enough. You can't possibly do this so don't even try!" It's very frustrating, because in my heart I know I can do it. Heck, if I can give birth to four children, I can do anything! I have reached that wall again, just like always. Runners talk all the time about "runner's walls". Those are these blocks that you hit when your body finally can't go anymore. But, most runners would also agree that those "walls" are very much psychological, and you would be surprised what you could actually do if you just push yourself through those walls. I have hit my wall in the food area of my life, and even though it's all completely psychological, that addiction to food is very strong and very real. And, I don't use the term addiction lightly. I am fully aware of what that means and it is very applicable to me.

So, what am I trying to say here? I don't really even know...I shouldn't be hard on myself. I am a beautiful person, with lots of good qualities. I'd like to think I would have a full room of people at my funeral someday. But, I also want to be able to not rely on food for my happiness or my release of boredom. I don't want it to be all I think about from the moment I wake up each day until the moment I fall asleep. That's definitely something I would like to be a perfectionist about...I'll work on that.

My Foot

Man, I don't know what I did, but I have been in a funk, and I think the culprit is my foot. I woke up early on Monday morning to go running--a really quick one, only two miles. I started to notice that my left foot was hurting, but not enough to REALLY notice, ya know? But, I welcomed the break from running on Tuesday and that evening, Mike rubbed my feet for me. It was the ball of my foot, on the outer edge. It felt a little tight still, so he rubbed it which seemed to make it feel better. But, the next morning, I woke up and got out of bed to run again, and I almost collapsed when I stepped onto the carpet because of the pain in my foot. I couldn't believe how painful it was! When I would try to stretch my feet and toes out, I couldn't do it for fear of screaming and waking everyone in the house. I was really bummed because I was really looking forward to my run.

So, I sat around all day being incredibly lazy and really unproductive and it got me into a funk. My house was a wreck (which isn't unusual, so that shouldn't have any effect on me anymore) and I had to keep ice on my foot and take Advil. Poor little Audrey always has way too much responsibility on her on an everyday basis, let alone when Mom is incapacitated! She was a tremendous help, though, as were all the kids. I sure am blessed! Anyway, every day has been slightly better and this morning I was able to walk on it almost completely fine without any abnormal feelings. Needless to say, though, the funk, mixed with the lack of exercise, and the upcoming visit from Aunt Flo did nothing good for my neverending quest to lose weight! I put the scale in the closet. Not even going there! =)

My Countdown

This morning, like the psycho I am lately, I ran three miles. To some, this may not seem like a lot, but from the moment I dragged my sorry butt out of bed, through the moments of sluggishly getting dressed and out the door, I knew that this was going to be the longest three miles of my life. All right, maybe that is a stretch, but pretty darn near the longest! I started out strong. My first mile was around 10:30! Not bad for me! Then, I started to slow down. And, I really mean slow...down... My next mile was about 12:30 and the next was close to 13 simply because I walked a lot of it.

My countdown is to my half marathon in October. I have a little over 90 days to get myself ready for it, and quite frankly, I don't know if I will be ready! My time is declined quite significantly over the past few weeks, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. Is it because I am not cross training enough? Do I need to get back on my weight lifting routine with Jillian? Do I need to eat a banana as I go out the door in the morning or maybe carbo load the night before? Whatever it is, I had better find out soon, because the countdown is on, baby! 90 days to go! I had better be ready!

My Eyebrows

Well all, I have decided on another topic of discussion today...my eyebrows. As most of you know, I rarely wear makeup except at church. So, if you only see me at church, you might think I always wear makeup. But, I don't. And because I don't, you must know as well that my eyebrows are so blonde, you cannot hardly see them unless you look closely. It is the same way for my leg hair, but that is an entirely different topic of conversation.

Anyway, starting back at the beginning of June, I have been dying my eyebrows about every three weeks so I don't have to use eyebrow pencil anymore and so that even when I am not wearing makeup, my eyes will still stick out and be obvious. Well, I have done it professionally (with a wax as well) once and I have done it myself (with a wax as well) twice. Yesterday was my second time and I think I messed it up royally. I really did a number on my eyebrows. The wax wasn't too hot or anything, but I think I scrubbed the dye off my skin so hard that some of the skin actually came off with the dye. Then, on top of that I did the wax to get the stray hairs, which can't be good for open sores! There's also little stray dots of wax around my eyes that I can't get off, even on my eyelashes. The skin around the dyed brows is so red, it makes me look like a babushka or a bushman. It's horrible.

Luckily, this morning it looks a little better and the redness has gone down a little bit, but it still hurts like the dickens. So, the moral of the story is: Don't ever let me dye and wax your eyebrows. You WILL be sorry! =)

My Beautiful Children

Hello all,

I realized that I haven't written in a while and I had promised myself that I wouldn't let significant amounts of time go between writings. So, I decided that I had better get on the boat. However, to be honest, I don't feel any good stories coming to me. I could tell you all about my camping trip over the Pioneer weekend, but I don't have the energy. I could tell you how running this morning felt like I was dragging one-ton weights on each foot, but I persevered, even though my time is getting steadily worse. Again, no energy. So, I decided to write about my beautiful children. Now, I use the word beautiful, but that's because I am their mom and I feel very biased. I will let you decide for yourselves...

Audrey is nine-years-old, going on about 30. I swear, she is me incarnate with a bit of Caradon thrown in for good measure. But, I pray for her sake that she will not put herself through what I did at her age. She is tall and slender and very sweet. She is always thinking of other people, always trying to make life easier for everyone. She gets that one from her dad, I can't rightly take credit for that trait. Here she is at her third-grade play. She had a few lines in it and her little chimes group played a few songs. She is very talented, a wonderful singer, and shows some interest in sports...we will see if that persists. She is pretty well-liked at school and she is extremely smart. What a wonderful kid!

Then, there is my Dallin. This was the most attractive picture I could find of him, wouldn't you say? We are quite the pair. Dallin is his dad's shadow. Whenever Mike is home, Dallin follows him around to the point where he will run right into him if Mike stops walking abruptly. It's kind of cute. I can't say Mike would agree, but he loves hanging out with Dallin just the same. Dallin is also very smart. He is a good friend to all the kids in school and he has a great sense of humor. He has a gentle heart, but sometimes he lets it get the best of him and he cries a lot over not so important stuff. I am sure that is something that will get better as he gets older. He is most definitely my favorite son by far!

Okay, here is Emma...again, the most attractive picture I could find. Emma is quite the drama queen. She loves to do anything imagination-oriented. She plays dress-up, dolls, puts on plays, does gymnastics, digs for gold...all the wonderful things a little girl should do! Emma has quite a temper along with all those great characterisitics. We have had to put together a scream chart to get her to not freak out over the tiniest things. She is a wonderful big sister to Claire and she has a very loving heart. I do fear that she may be my most difficult teenager to deal with, but I'll deal with it as it comes, I suppose.

Finally, our little Claire Bear. She is the youngest and last member of the Mike Jenkins family, so needless to say, she gets a little spoiled. Not even necessarily by me, though! She tends to get it from all her siblings as well as her dad too! She is very sweet. She is funny and quite the ham, always looking for ways to get a laugh out of everyone. She is full of cute little Claire-isms and even with her jumbled words, she gets her point across without much trouble. She is finally getting the hang of potty training which is quite the milestone for me! No more diapers for the first time in ten years!! As she is sitting here next to me, she is whispering in my ear that she doesn't like corn dogs. Just so you all know...! She also has an adorable lisp that, as cute as it is, will hopefully go away soon. What a cutie patootie!

Well, that wraps up today's post. I hope it is as entertaining to read as it was to write.

My 5.6 Pounds

I have decided that losing weight is what keeps me motivated. Every time I go to one of my meetings and I haven't lost anything, I start to feel discouraged. For the last month and a half, I have been gaining or staying the same. Since we got back from California, I have gained back eight of the pounds I had worked so hard to lose. I was starting to lose all hope. Then, after running my 10K last week, I decided to sign up for the half-marathon. Doing that made something click inside my brain. I know that if I expect myself to do well at ALL in this half-marathon, then I need to start eating right. So, all last week I really tried hard to do a good job. I will admit, I messed up more times than I would have liked, but I was active, I ate the best that I could most of the time and I drank tons of water. I also started training for the half in October.

This morning I went out on a two-mile run before my meeting, and for some reason, it was a little harder than usual. I pushed myself and I am proud to say that I ran the whole thing. But, when I got back I could feel my heart beating inside my head and my skin was so hot, I think the sweat coming off my forehead might have turned into steam directly on contact. If it didn't, it got soaked into my nice, wet bandana I was wearing. At least that kept my head kind of cool. It also didn't help that it was already really hot at 6:15 in the morning. But, nonetheless, I trucked through it. Then, I went to my meeting with Carina. We both had a great weigh-in, me at 5.6 lost and she had lost 4 pounds! We are neck in neck on our weight now, and I am so proud of both of us!

Well, enough ranting. Now, I have to go work in my front yard for a while before it gets too hot. Mother, you should be proud and you can stop nagging me now. Hope everybody has a great day!!

My Cleaning Plan

Today I am attempting to get the entire house clean with the help of six kids who really enjoy complaining and whining. So, I am embarking on a bribery plan that my mother would be proud of! I have taken piles of spare change that we have laying around the house and gave them each a pile of coins adding up to $2.00 each. We are all going to clean each room at the same time, and if they complain, even if it's an "Awwww," made into three syllables, they lose 25 cents. They will have a chance to earn it back with extra jobs, but it will require a little extra work. Once we are done cleaning, we are going to walk to 7-Eleven or Ream's and they can spend their money on whatever they want, after paying tithing of course (that one will be for my own kids). We will see how this plan goes. I will let you all know.

As for me and my training, I am doing well. Today is my rest day, and I am taking full advantage of that. Of course, I am cleaning my entire house, so I am still going to burn a few calories, but no weight lifting, no running. Yesterday I ran two miles again. Seriously, folks, I felt like I was dragging twenty pound weights on each foot. It was really hard for me to get going yesterday. I think that was because I had gone to bed really late the night before. As I said in one of my previous blogs, I really need to get to bed fairly early at night so that I am not completely useless the next day. But, on that note, I still managed to run the full two miles without stopping to walk, and I did it in 22:34. Pretty good considering how tired I was and how heavy my feet felt! At least I am going to live to run another day. Wish me luck!

My First Official Day of Training

Well, for those of you who don't know, I have decided to do something outrageous and daring, exciting and crazy, and did I mention dangerous and death-defying? Yes, folks, I have decided to run a half-marathon. This decision came about after about a year of toying with the idea. So, now that I have run four 5Ks, 1 10K, and 1 15K, a half-marathon seemed like the next logical step. If you would like to be there when I hobble over the finish line, it will be in Provo, October 30th, 2010, at the Shops at Riverwoods. I will even be in costume, courtesy of my good friend, Steve "Newman" Daskam. Luckily, I will be running it with my good friend, Kim, and hopefully my good friend, Becky.

This morning, you will be proud to know that I ran two miles while I left Audrey in charge. For those of you who have read my blog about her growing up too fast, you will see how dedicated I truly am to have been willing to run for 23 minutes with her in charge all by herself. But, she diligently sat at the front window and waved to me every 4 minutes and 10 seconds when I ran past. There was even some stray dog that joined me on my run...pretty much the whole thing! When I got done and I was on my front sidewalk stretching, he tried to lick my face numerous times, and even ripped my earphones out in his excitement. It was a great start to this incredible journey that I am about to embark on. I am really excited.

Please refrain from discouraging words, at least out loud, to me! =) I need as much postivity as I can get. But, obviously, there is no need for me to say that, considering how everyone has been so incredibly supportive of me and my crazy endeavors. I love you all! Wish me luck!

My 10K

I ran six miles this morning. Don't ask me why. I don't know. But, all that running gave me a lot of time to think about things. I am going to wax philosophical for a little while, so bear with me. Before I do, though, I have to toss in a few random facts. The race I ran, although advertised as a 10K, was at the very least an 11K. Do they make those? My iFit said I finished the 10K 8 minutes earlier than the time clock at the finish line. I am going with my iFit. Of course, I was not really trying for a time, perse, since this was my first 10K. But, I would like to have a small time so I can challenge myself for next time. The other fact is that one should never eat a large berry smoothie before a big race especially when one's body is used to running on an empty stomach. NEVER change things up before a race. That's just pure stupidity. With that said, I didn't puke at miles 3 and 4 like I felt like I was going to. So that's good. On to the philosophical!

Even though this was a short race compared to a marathon, or even a half marathon, I decided I would devote my miles to people in my life. I know, usually this is something done on longer races, but I had to give myself stuff to think about while I was running. So, I devoted each mile to certain people and it helped the time to go faster. The first mile, I devoted to Carina and Kim. They are two of my best friends and my partners in weight loss and exercise. They keep me going day in and day out and if it weren't for them, I would have quit a long time ago. They are both beautiful, strong women who make the world a better place just being in it. Don't even get me started on how much better it is because of what they do. So, Carina...Kim...the first mile was for you guys. I love you beautiful ladies!

Mile Two was for Becky. Even though she was a good 16 minutes ahead of me(in the first five minutes, mind you. How is that even possible?) she has been with me in nearly every race I have ever done. Since the very first unofficial one we ran with her stake way back in the day when all this was beginning. When was that even? I think Fall of 2008? I can't remember, I am getting old. Becky, you are my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without you and your gentle (or not so gentle if the situation requires it) prodding toward making myself better. I am sure you know all this, but it doesn't hurt to say it. I know, I know, you are NOT a...what's the word? Emotional? Writer...but I am, so deal with it. I love ya forever!

Mile Three was for my Addie. He was the one who got me started on all of this. Adam, if it wasn't for your inspiration in doing a triathlon and running all these races, I wouldn't have been where I am now. A slow, diligent jogger. Hey, I started out as a turtle. Literally, I think one passed me once, so a slow diligent jogger is a really good thing. You are my little brother, yet there are so many times where I have needed advice from someone wiser than me and you are always the one I turn to. Crazy how that works. I love you and I am so lucky to have you as a brother. I love your little family too. You guys are awesome!

Mile Four was for the rest of my family as a whole. Sorry, guys, someday when I run a marathon, I will have more miles to devote to each of you, but this time around you all get Mile Four. To my kids, you guys are the reason I get up and run every day. I know how important it is for me to be around for a while, so I am going to do my best to be healthy so I can be with you guys. You four are my life and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank my Father in Heaven for you. My parents, I love you so much. I am so grateful for all the support you have given me throughout my life, even during my teenage years, when I am sure you were ready to kill me many times. Thanks for letting me live. And, thank you for always watching me twirl and helping me to get back up when I fell. See, how bad I am? I am sitting here crying as I type. Pathetic. Caradon, you were my first best friend in this world, and that has never changed. I remember writing in my diary when you left for college about how badly I missed you and wished you were there to help me deal with life. Thanks for always being there for me, whether it's to vent, to laugh with, or to cry with. I couldn't have asked for a better sister. Sam, you know how I feel about you, so I don't need to get too blubbery on this one. Thank you so much for being there when I got to the finish line this morning. It was nice to see your smiling, albeit odd-looking, face when I huffed and puffed my way over the blue mats. You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I am honored to call you my sister.

Mile Five: To the most wonderful person in this entire world. I am not even joking about this one people. To my love, my best friend, my punching bag, my solace, my confidante, my everything, my husband. I know I don't tell you enough, but I love you so much. If it hadn't been for you, I would not be the person I am today. You have been there with me through thick and thin, everything that has ever happened that was good in my life has been because of you. Mike Jenkins, you are my life and I love you.

Mile Six: This last one was for me and my Father in Heaven. These are the only two people who can REALLY make me do what I have done in my life. And, even then, I know that Heavenly Father doesn't make anyone do anything. That is why we are here, to choose the direction our life is going to go, hopefully not making TOO many mistakes along the way. I am grateful for the strength I have received from Heavenly Father, especially at the times when I thought I might die or at least puke on mile three and four. It's so nice to know that the gospel is there to guide us and that our Father in Heaven always loves us unconditionally even through out stupid mistakes. As for me, I have a long way to go. But, I have come a really long way as well, and I am proud of that.

To the rest of you that I love so much...if I had had more miles, you definitely would have been there on my list. But, thankfully I didn't have any more miles. If I had, you may very well have been at my funeral! Someday, when I am a stronger person than I am now, and I finally fulfill my bucket list with a half marathon, or even a marathon if I am feeling especially ambitious, rest assured that you will be on my mile list. For now, just know how much I love all of you and how grateful I am for you. Now, everyone, go out and run at least a mile for me. Believe it or not, it really does feel great!

My Gross Gorilla

We went to the zoo on Monday. Mike had it off and since we love spur-of-the-moment outings, we decided to go. It was very crowded and fun, but it was a long day. We saw all kinds of animals, and the kids were having a great time. The most fun they had, though, was in the gorilla house. Now, keep in mind, a lot of scientists believe we are descended from these powerful and majestic creatures, but I think what I am about to tell you might make them change their minds.

We were all vying to get in front of one of the windows, and our family happened to be in the exact right spot to notice a very large, male gorilla. He was standing directly in front of our window, but his back was to us, so we could only see his profile if he looked to the side. He was very entertaining, but what was most entertaining was what he proceeded to do next. He squatted down, reached his extra long arm under his buttocks, and proceeded to poop into his hand. Now, this action most definitely got the kids laughing. Even Mike was almost rolling on the floor.

What happened next, though, caused the laughing to stop momentarily and our jaws to drop to the floor. He took that fresh pile of warm, gooey, green poo and proceeded to take a nice, big bite. Yum. We could not believe our eyes. What was worse, was that he kept on eating it! Then, he did it a second time! We were all in hysterics at this point. We went outside the house where our friends were waiting for us. We shared the story with them, and Anthony said, "It kind of makes you wonder...what are they feeding him that he would rather eat his own poo rather than the food they give him?" We all shook our heads in wonderment. Chew on that one for a while.

My Failure

I have decided that in order to be fully honest on my blog, I need to share my failures as well as my victories. But, don't get too familiar with these failure stories, because being that I am pretty darn near perfect, there won't be many more! =) Ha ha... Anyway, there is a statement that I have been saying for a while now inside my head, but I have never said it out loud until this morning. I hate it when I lose control. That's it. That's the statement.

Now, in order to fully understand this story, you have to understand that since I got back from California on the 15th of June, I have been having a very lax attitude toward my Weight Watchers plan and I haven't been following it the way I should have. Every day, I have been screwing up royally at the end of the day, only to tell myself right before bed that I will do better tomorrow. Then, tomorrow comes, and no such luck. I always think to myself that I HATE it when I do this, but I never do anything about it.

Well, at my last weigh-in, I had gained another 2 1/2 pounds, so I made a resolution that at the next weigh-in I have, I would like to have lost at least 3 pounds. You see, that 2 1/2 pounds added into the 5 that I had already gained over the month of June. So, I am up to a grand total of 8 of my hard-earned losses going down the drain. So, I vowed things would be different.

So, Saturday was great. I resisted all kinds of temptations, Sunday was great and Monday started out great. Until dinner. I don't know what changed inside my head. I remember thinking as I was eating a scrumptious Asiago cheese bagel from Harmon's (not as good as Einstein's, but a close second) that I had already screwed up and I might as well eat whatever I wanted that I wouldn't be able to when I "got back on track tomorrow." What a laugh, I think, as I am sitting here shaking my head. I proceeded to eat enchiladas, chips and salsa, chips and spinach-artichoke dip, candy, popcorn with garlic butter (which wasn't very good by the way) and sushi. It was pretty bad. Afterwards, I felt like a pathetic, bloated blob and I wasn't proud of myself in any way, shape, or form like I had been on Saturday and Sunday. I had even run/walked five miles that morning and walked around the zoo for three hours! Who does all that only to completely screw themselves later? Only me, it seems....Okay, that's probably not true, but when you screw up like that you tend to think that you are the only failure in the world.

Okay, the point of this story is not to depress any of you or to make myself feel bad. The point of this story is that if I hold myself accountable and know that people that I care about are going to know this about me, maybe I will be more likely not to mess up next time. I have made the resolution that the horrible feeling I felt last night is not one I ever want to feel again. I HATE LOSING CONTROL OF MYSELF LIKE THAT. Wish me luck for the future!

My Insight

Yesterday we had a fun BBQ at my sister, Caradon's, house. We went swimming, we ate good food and we lit some fun fireworks. Let me elaborate on all of these:

First, the swimming. To put it nicely, I hate going to swimming pools. For one thing, there are too many people who are obviously in love with their bodies. Now, this wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if they weren't narcissistic about them as well! Women who walk, hips swaying, only three little pieces of fabric covering their you-know-whats in the front and an even smaller piece covering the back. It's a little scary. I almost feel like I need to cover my innocent children's eyes to preserve their childhood! Then, there's the men who have spent the past half hour flexing to get their veins bulging just so they can walk out into the pool area hoping and praying some pretty girl with the least amount of fabric will look, maybe nod, give a comment, something!

Then, there's me. Now, I don't feel as bad about myself as I used to wearing a swimsuit. Granted, I have a while to go before I reach my ideal, but I have come a long way from where I used to be. But, buying a cheap swimsuit, let me tell you, is not a good idea. I bought this suit last summer and it did me well that year. But, this year, after pulling it out of the mothballs, for some reason it has stretched beyond recognition. It's fine when it's dry, but as soon as I jump into the water and get it wet, and then climb out of the pool, the little skirt part of it hangs down to just below my knees. It's one of those tankinis. The fact that my skirt hangs down so far wouldn't have been a bad thing in 1910, but nowadays, I'd probably get more wondering stares than those people flaunting body parts that ought not to be flaunted! So, I ended up walking around most of the day with my skirt in a wad in my fist so it wasn't hanging down to my ankles (which was the case at the end of our little jaunt.)

Besides the fact that I lost Dallin at least three times during this outing, and the fact that Claire clung to me for dear life until she finally braved the wading pool 45 minutes into it, the day was fun (except for the horrible eye "candy" in the form of the narcissistic 20-somethings.)

Then, there was the barbecue. There isn't much to report here except that I ate well for the first time in weeks! I didn't give into the fudgsicles, or the crab salad, and I ate a gardenburger without a bun instead of a hamburger! I gorged on watermelon, and ate my two-point-per-cup-fruit-salad that was delicious. I was very proud of myself for the first time in weeks yesterday. In part, I was helped by a quote my sister had taped to her wall. Maybe it will help some of you as well. It goes like this:

A commitment is the honoring of a decision. When you are commited, you allow nothing to deter you from reaching your goal. You are disciplined even when you are not feeling motivated. Discipline is the ability to carry out a resolution long after the mood has left you. Making a commitment is being willing to put forth all your efforts and taking responsibility for the outcome.

Isn't that great? Overall, I had a fun Fourth of July Celebration. I hope everyone else did as well and realizes how blessed we are to be a part of such an amazing and free country. Love you all!

My Willpower

I have decided that willpower is either non-existent or highly and completely rare. For me, it is pretty much non-existent. Not only in the obvious things like food consumption, but in the less obvious things like going to bed at a decent time. Lately, I have been staying up way too late and sleeping in as late as I can. This leads to several problems. Let me elaborate.

Last night I decided it would be great fun to stay up until almost 1 in the morning playing on my computer. Is this productive? No. Do I care? ...ummmm....no. I was just enjoying my rare quiet time and until I beat a game on my computer, I tend to play it constantly.

I knew in the back of my mind that it was my goal in the morning to wake up before the kids and do my 15-minute jog that I mentioned in my previous blog. But, my game was more important to me at the moment. It's always that way...what's more important to me at the moment is usually what happens without any thought for the future. Finally I dragged my overly wide rear end to bed and fell into a deep slumber with my usual strange dreams. I won't go into those in this blog, we'll save that for another very entertaining one.

This morning during one of those said dreams, I start to hear the rumble of a large truck. My eyes flashed open and I realized that, like all other past weeks, Mike forgot to put the garbage on the curb. So, I jumped out of bed about as fast as Sid the Sloth on Ice Age, or in our family, Sam the Sloth. I whipped on my old kimono that I stole from my parents at the tender age of ten when we had a Japanese exchange student staying with us for a year. I ran to the front door and out into the driveway arms waving, robe flapping behind me. Actually, it wasn't quite that dramatic. I had one arm very tightly holding my robe shut. Don't worry, I'm most definitely not an exhibitionist! Luckily the garbage man saw the highly disheveled, frantic woman with the hair sticking in every direction, much like my youngest's constant stylish look. He took sympathy for me and stopped the truck to wait for me to bring him the can. I felt like Cinderella running down the stairs, "Wait, wait, please! May I try it on?" Except much less gracefully and there was nothing in this whole scenario that I wanted to try on.

I went back into the house and climbed back into bed. You'd think I would have learned my lesson, but my pillows were calling to me and my eyes were having trouble staying open. My idea of running this morning had already run out my window and was halfway around the block by now. I fell back to sleep, resumed my strange dream and next thing I know, I am awakened by the doorbell. CRAP! My daycare kids were there, meaning it was around 9:15 in the morning and I still had not dragged my sorry butt out of bed. Neither had my kids, surprisingly. I put on my trusty kimono again and let them in. "The kids are downstairs," I said. They promptly went down to visit and get the rabbits while I jumped (albeit, very slowly) into the shower in an attempt to wake myself for the day.

Now, the question is: Will I remember this little lesson tonight when I am tempted to sit in front of my computer until 1 in the morning? Or, will I only choose what seems important to me now without regard to what I am really going to want or need in the future. Let's hope for the best, but only time will tell!

My Daughter is Growing Up Too Fast!

So, I thought I would try something new this morning. I decided to test the responsibility of my nine-year-old-going-on-forty-year-old and leave her home alone with the kids while I ran around the block over and over. Now, granted, I had timed myself and I knew that I would be passing the house every 4 minutes and 10 seconds, but I was still worried. Nonetheless, I decided I would give it a try for 30 minutes. The kids were all still asleep, what could really go wrong? Right?
So, I strapped on my running shoes, put in my iPod, and started my jaunt. Now, I knew deep inside that the kids were all sound asleep in their beds. I had locked the bolt lock behind me and I had my keys in my hand. But, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to happen while I was gone. Maybe Claire would have a nightmare and wake up screaming. Audrey would have to wait a full 4 minutes and 10 seconds before I could get there to comfort her! I kept running, but now I figured I would limit my run to 25 minutes.
Then, as I continued to run past a neighbor's house, their sprinkler splashed my ankles. A fresh thought came to mind: What if for some reason the house randomly flooded? A lot of damage could happen in 4 minutes and 10 seconds! I kept running, but decided that 20 minutes might be more realistic.
As I kept running, listening to a little Imogen and feeling the wind blowing on my face, a new thought came to my mind. What if all of a sudden this wind gets really strong and blows a tree over onto my roof? What if my kids are pinned under it and they can't breathe for 4 minutes and 10 seconds? A lot of brain damage could happen in that amount of time!
I rounded the fourth corner and came into sight of my house. Okay, things looked good. Audrey wasn't peeking out the front window waiting for my arrival, so maybe I can make another lap, but I think I will cut my run to fifteen minutes instead. That seems more realistic for the first time of her being in charge. I continued to run.
Then, a new thought came to mind as my lungs finally gave out on me and I started to walk. What if someone breaks into my open-a-crack front window?! At that very moment, some stranger could be trudging through my home, searching for expensive items to steal (which he wouldn't find) or yummy food to eat (which he also wouldn't find). Or, maybe he was looking for innocent children to kidnap who have been left with their nine-year-old-going-on-forty-year-old sister by a mother who cares more about running than protecting her children!!!! Those he would have found! I sped up my walking.
I looked down at my time keeper and realized that I was almost at 10 minutes. I think that would be enough for the day. I came around that final corner to my house, standing quietly, bolt lock still locked, children still sleeping peacefully. Ah, justification, it's a good thing. Next time, I will do fifteen minutes, I think. But, for today, my daughter is still not quite ready to watch her siblings by herself for very long, right? Right? Or, is it me who's not ready for her to be ready? Either way, ten minutes felt like a hundred. Baby steps.

My New Beginning

I figure "A New Beginning" should be an aptly-named title for today's blog for many reasons. One, because it's been a year and a half since I have written last and it would be ridiculous to even attempt to fit all that's happened into one blog. And, two, because I am using this blog now, not only for my family news, but also for my own personal journey that I have embarked on many times. The end result of that journey, so far, has been incredibly elusive, but I am inching ever closer, it's just taking me forever to do it.
Anyone who knows me, knows what that journey is and has been for most of my life. Maybe the reason I am not succeeding is because deep in my subconscious, I would be afraid to know what my life would be like if I didn't have to be on this never-ending roller coaster that I call weight loss. Why is it so important to me in the first place? Is it because of the constant reminding from my dear mommy that I should be weighing less? Is it society's idea of how a woman should look that affects me so much? Is it that I want to be an example to my own daughters? Or, does it just boil down to the plain, simple, and ugly truth that is...VANITY? I don't know. Whatever the reason is, I am on this ride until the end whether I like it or not. Maybe once I reach my destination, I will create a new ride for myself, but until then, I am on the weight loss ride.
So, here I sit. Wearing my "Truffle Shuffle" T-shirt, so indicative of the way I feel most of the time. Looking out the window at the night sky knowing that I should be out there running. But, instead I am posting a new blog, with the justification in my mind that I already walked for an hour today to the library and back. Plus, I have to start sometime, don't I?
So, here's my plan. My original inspiration started with a book called "Running With Angels" written by Pam Hansen. She wrote about her journey to lose over 100 pounds after losing two children. She decided to run a marathon. My new book of inspiration to add to my mental shelf is called "A Non-Runner's Marathon Guide for Women" by Dawn Dais. It is a fricking hilarious book, and if anyone wants to read a book that would inspire them to at least enjoy the idea of running, this is the book for them. This woman has a sense of humor that is sarcastic as any and I thoroughly enjoy that. Again, those who know me even a little know that sarcasm is the best form of humor in my opinion. The dedication in her book, though, is what really caught my eye. It is a very serious and touching dedication, probably to balance out the humorous content of the book. It says, "For my grandfather, who never could have finished a marathon, and who never would have doubted for one second that I could."
Here it is again: If you know me at all, you know that not only am I a sarcastic person, I am also a very emotional person and I love my grandfather very much. I love all my grandparents, but my Papa holds a special place in my heart that has ached for him since the day he died almost nineteen years ago. Maybe if I dedicate my journey to him, I would do better.
Every day, I will try to write in this blog. Let's see how long this new resolution lasts! It might be about my training for the day. It might be about the family and what we are up to, or it just might be about what I had for breakfast. Whatever I write about, I truly hope today's entry will, in fact, be a new beginning.